LABYRINTH: Query and First Page Critique

Title: LABYRINTH
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
Word Count: Work-in-Progress

Query:

Seventeen-year-old Kallis eats people.

She doesn't want to, but being sacrificed on an altar and waking up a minotaur really changes your taste buds. To make matters worse, a year into her transition, a sorcerer goes and imprisons her in her own personal labyrinth-shaped pocket universe. What feels like a three-year incarceration to Kallis turns out to be two thousand years to the rest of the universe. She escapes into a world where Zeus is nothing but a myth and togas are only worn at frat parties.

Kallis adapts: she buys a hair-straightener, a pair of Keds, and even has a cute boy band to default to. Except for that whole eating people thing, she'd be an average teenager. But the labyrinth won't let her go so easily. When she and her friends visit the ancient Greek ruins which were once Kallis's home, they're sucked into the labyrinth. And this time they're not alone. Another minotaur has taken up residence.

To survive the labyrinth, and the man-eating monster that roams it, Kallis will have to stay one step ahead of her brother-in-species under the suspicious eyes of her friends—who, after a few days, start to look like walking honey cakes. Their only hope is to escape, but when escape means death for Kallis, the choice becomes living for eternity in a maze versus never having the chance to live at all.

Complete at XX,XXX words, LABYRINTH is a stand-alone young adult fantasy set in both the mystical world of the labyrinth and modern day L'Escala, Spain.

First 250:

My breath mists the air, blasting snowflakes into a frantic dance.

Not today. I won’t let it happen. I try to clench my fists, but my fingers are frozen rocks. My eyes find the night sky through thick spruce branches weighed down by snow. I seek out the seven stars of the Hesperides, the sisters charged by the goddess Hera to protect the apples of immortality.

They did a horrid job.

“You can’t hold it off any longer, Kallistrate,” Isidora says, crouching at my left. Her auburn hair lays untouched by the falling flakes, as does her chiton, the linen dyed indigo and sparkling with tiny ornaments. Her feet, tucked in leather sandals, are submerged in a pile of snow. She doesn’t shiver and her cheeks glow pink.

My lips twitch downward. At least, I think they do. I can’t feel my face.

“Take a breath.” Isidora trails her hand down my tangled locks, brushing away a layer of white. “One breath, and it will be over.”

I mush my lips together and shift my head. I won’t do it. I can crouch here forever, without air or warmth, and never die. An ache stabs my chest, and my mind begs me to inhale.

I won’t, I won’t, I won’t.

“Kallistrate!”

I gasp. Frigid air crashes into my throat. The scent of something warm and spicy invades. My belly groans, and my mouth waters. Red floods my vision, pulsing to the beat of my heart.

No, not my heart. The heart of my prey.

Holiday Query Blog Hop

The Holiday Query Blog Hop is hosted by Michelle on her blog, Michelle4Laughs. Add your name to the linky list by December 14 to join in the fun!

UPDATED VERSION:

Dear Agent: 

Princess Ryn has always felt like she's invisible. 

Probably because she actually is. 

Ryn is half wraith, a creature only seen as flickering shadows out of the corner of one's eye. Unlike a pureblood wraith, she can't turn the ability off. Her sole friend is a curved sabre given to her by her father, who was gifted with an amulet which allowed him to see her.

On her eighteenth birthday, Ryn regrets ever wishing for attention—she's to marry the prince of a neighboring clan as part of an alliance. Fortunately, the prince is missing, kidnapped by a ferocious dragon. Unfortunately, because of her heritage, Ryn is the only one who can swoop in unseen and save him.

But when she gets to the dragon's cave, she finds her betrothed has gone mad with greed and enslaved the dragon by stealing the item most precious to him. Not that the plan would've worked anyway. The dragon can see her, his dark eyes piercing through her shadows and speeding her heart—especially when he takes the form of a wickedly seductive man. Now Ryn has a new plan: save a dragon-in-distress from her prince before he conquers the kingdom with fire.

PRINCESS OF SMOKE AND SHADOW is a XX,XXX-word young adult fantasy twisting the classic "prince saves princess from a dragon". Thank you for your time and consideration.

EARLIER VERSION:

Dear Agent:

Princess Ryn has always felt like she's invisible.

Probably because she actually is.

Ryn is part wraith, a shadowy creature only seen from the corner of one's eye. But, unlike a pureblood wraith, her ability will never turn off. Her family doesn't notice her and her only friend is a curved sabre.

On her eighteenth birthday, Ryn regrets ever wishing for attention—she's to marry the prince of a neighboring clan as part of an alliance. Fortunately, the prince is missing, kidnapped by a ferocious dragon. Unfortunately, because of her heritage, Ryn is the only one who can swoop in unseen and save him.

But when she gets to the dragon's cave, she finds her betrothed has gone mad with greed and enslaved the dragon by stealing the item most precious to it. Not that the plan would've worked anyway. The dragon can see her, his dark eyes piercing through her shadows and speeding her heart—especially when he takes the form of a wickedly seductive man. Now Ryn has a new plan: save a dragon-in-distress from her prince before he conquers the kingdom with fire.

PRINCESS OF SMOKE AND SHADOW is a XX,XXX-word young adult fantasy twisting the classic "prince saves princess from dragon". Thank you for your time and consideration.

Book Review: Defy by Sara B. Larson

 

Hardcover, 336 pages

Publisher: Scholastic Press

Source: Toronto Public Library

A lush and gorgeously written debut, packed with action, intrigue, and heart-racing romance.

Alexa Hollen is a fighter. Forced to disguise herself as a boy and serve in the king's army, Alex uses her quick wit and fierce sword-fighting skills to earn a spot on the elite prince's guard. But when a powerful sorcerer sneaks into the palace in the dead of night, even Alex, who is virtually unbeatable, can't prevent him from abducting her, her fellow guard and friend Rylan, and Prince Damian, taking them through the treacherous wilds of the jungle and deep into enemy territory.

The longer Alex is held captive with both Rylan and the prince, the more she realizes that she is not the only one who has been keeping dangerous secrets. And suddenly, after her own secret is revealed, Alex finds herself confronted with two men vying for her heart: the safe and steady Rylan, who has always cared for her, and the dark, intriguing Damian. With hidden foes lurking around every corner, is Alex strong enough to save herself and the kingdom she's sworn to protect?

Thoughts:

I don't know why people hated this book so much. Did it have its faults? Yes. But even JK Rowling had her faults. Was it a little more romantic than the synopsis made it sound? Okay, yup there, too. So what?

I loved Defy. There. I said it. 

It reminded me of the Song of the Lioness series by Tamora Pierce. Not just the dressing-up-as-a-boy part,  but the romance, too. Alexa is stuck between Damian, who she can never be with because he's royalty, and Rylan, who's a fellow guard who doesn't ignite Alexa as much as Damian does. In Song of the Lioness, Alanna had Jonathan, a prince, and George, the "king" of thieves. I can't remember much about Alanna's journey since I read the books when I was twelve. I know I was pissed as hell when Alanna ended up with George. This series will end the same way, I fear. Yet, I'll read the sequel, and its sequel (99% sure it's a trilogy), just to see who Alexa chooses.

Could the writing have been improved? Yes. There was a chapter near the end where a character gave an info dump speech. Whenever action occurred, I had to go back and re-read to figure out how Alex got such-and-such wound. The dialogue was flat at times.

I still loved it. Sara has no fear of hurting her characters. I was a bit surprised by the wound Alexa sustained at the end. Main characters in YA fantasy books usually don't get scarred or deformed in any major way despite all the ninja-ry they do. I hated the twist, which means I loved the twist.

Now, to wait five months for Ignite...

Would I recommend this book? Yes

Would I re-read it? Maybe

Would I read a sequel? Definitely

Next week... I'm taking a temporary hiatus because school starts

Waiting on Wednesday: Dove Arising by Karen Bao

Waiting on Wednesday is a meme hosted by Jill at her blog, Breaking The Spine, spotlighting anticipated upcoming releases. Here’s mine for this Wednesday:

 

Release Date: February 24, 2015

Publisher: Viking Juvenile

Phaet Theta has lived her whole life in a colony on the Moon. She’s barely spoken since her father died in an accident nine years ago. She cultivates the plants in Greenhouse 22, lets her best friend talk for her, and stays off the government’s radar.

Then her mother is arrested.

The only way to save her younger siblings from the degrading Shelter is by enlisting in the Militia, the faceless army that polices the Lunar bases and protects them from attacks by desperate Earth-dwellers. Training is brutal, but it’s where Phaet forms an uneasy but meaningful alliance with the preternaturally accomplished Wes, a fellow outsider.

Rank high, save her siblings, free her mom:  that’s the plan. Until Phaet’s logically ordered world begins to crumble...

Add it on Goodreads!

I heard about the book from the six-figure deal announcement on Publishers Marketplace. Do I fear it's over-hyped because the author is young? Hell, yes. But it could also be spectacular. I'm hoping for spectacular.

What are you waiting on this Wednesday?

Series Binge: Delirium trilogy by Lauren Oliver

Binge-eating? Binge-watching? How about binge-reading? Sometimes, you just can’t put a book down. You need the sequel. Then you need its sequel. Before you know it, you’ve read a seven-book series in under a week. I confess, I need help. This week, my addiction was…

 

Hardcovers, 1161 pages

Publisher: HarperCollins

Before scientists found the cure, people thought love was a good thing.

They didn’t understand that once love -- the deliria -- blooms in your blood, there is no escaping its hold. Things are different now. Scientists are able to eradicate love, and the government demands that all citizens receive the cure upon turning eighteen. Lena Holoway has always looked forward to the day when she’ll be cured. A life without love is a life without pain: safe, measured, predictable, and happy.

But with ninety-five days left until her treatment, Lena does the unthinkable: She falls in love.

Thoughts:

I've been meaning to read Delirium for years. Heck, I've been meaning to read a Lauren Oliver book for years. Now that I have, I don't regret it. This series was awesome!

First off, Lauren Oliver writes beautifully. Her prose has the right balance of information and melody.  It crossed over the line into "purple prose" once or twice, but always found its way back. I love how Oliver's "style" changed for each book, too. In Delirium, the story was told from the perspective of Lena. In Pandemonium, the point-of-view character was still Lena, but the chapters alternated between "Then" and "Now", and always ended on a cliffhanger. In Requiem, Hana had her own chapters, which provided a unique perspective to the mix.

The Delirium trilogy was an action-packed, romance-filled adventure. Lena grew from a scared, brainwashed girl to a strong, independent woman. The side characters were fully-developed people with their own stories. It was sad to see some of the go (cough, die, cough). The romance was a love triangle, but this was from the Age of Triangles, so no surprise. I actually enjoyed Lena with both of the male leads, and have a love-hate relationship with the way Oliver decided to leave it open-ended. Though, in truth, it's probably the best way to end a love triangle where both the males (or females) are equally cherished by the fan base.

After reading this series, Panic by Lauren Oliver has climbed its way quickly up my TBR list. Maybe I should get started on that...

Would I recommend this series? Hell, yeah!

Would I re-read it? Maybe

Next Monday... I'll be trying Defy by Sara Larson